We're clearly getting under some skin out there judging by some emails especially Blind Items #4 and #13 from Monday...too close to home???...OK, so in the one case "newlywed" is a stretch (doesn't Emily Post say you can send a gift up to two years??) but we can't GIVE IT AWAY...paging Dr Carter???...clearly a lot more people are reading us.....well Fred Vegas, truth hurts etc. But a local blogger (who we like) wrote in to ask us about a disclaimer so we'll have to get Mr. Blogmaster's blessing to change anything...stay tuned.....

Thanks to "Adam" "Keri" "Toby" "John" "Mary" and "Dolly" we've stopped our press (& over TD'd our original post) to report there's more chaos in the downtown group everyone loves to hate..... Yes many groups fit that description here in Fred Vegas but this one devours its young and spits them out as hollow shells of their former selves..... This year alone it has claimed a bumper crop of victims, a veritable "Who's Who" of downtown establishments, including the hotshot upstarts Mr. & Mrs. "Rihanna" Tapas San Fernando Napa Valley, in charge of publicity, web content and blogging (hey, just like us) and NOW-we've just heard ladies and gentleman-our favorite Top Secret Abercrombie & Fitch Boy Scout Manchurian Candidate, Jason "Bentley" Bourne, who we heard resigned as President, throwing our city leadership into chaos (no, we're not making this up....we heard this actually generated news...seriously, who cares......WTF???). But you know what? The people that have resigned recently are the ones getting ALL OF THE PRESS downtown, so what idiots thought it would be smart to piss them off? Sorry, magazines aren't writing about the yucky yuck store that smells like cat pee.......


Sorry Mr. Blogmaster but the name "Besieged Bentley" was too blah for Fred Vegas's own Jason Bourne super secret Boy Scout government assassin and his James Bond sidekick wife, Empress Yowza. Also, as many emails we've read during your absence attest you laid on the cheesecake a little thick..... but in the hands of the FAIRER SEX we'll happily turn the tables. We know Mr. & Mrs Rihanna Tapas San Fernando LOVE US and it is always best to stay on their good side...but the Bournes????...who the hell knows what those super secret agents think.....but Mr Blogmaster now it's time for the beefcake to feel the spotlight (PS keep sending in your noms for our contest!!!).


So we hear from our army of spies that it's outright chaos on William and Caroline Streets.....citizens are lawless ...even the mayor is involved and we hear a psycho is terrorizing the poor group (typical), thus bringing our half humanoid/half android hero Jason "Bentley" Bourne into action...... We don't know what "signal" causes our Fred Vegas Manchurian Candidate to "launch" but we understand it happened recently and he was gone for a few days. We assume he was acting on our government's behalf to bring order and stability to Pakistan????......he single handedly wiped out an advancing Taliban army.....Perhaps Empress Yowza had bullets coming out of her warrior bra (that little bit of misogyny is a nod to our beloved Blogmaster whose eyes go starry at the mention of her or Mrs. Rihanna's name).....maybe Mrs. Rihanna Tapas is a deputy and she melts people with her powerful eyes...while Mr. Rihanna sits on them???....the X Men have nothing on these people...


Don't Fu$&%K with our Jason. He may look like an Abercrombie & Fitch Boy Scout android who doesn't smoke or drink but he will cut out your heart and feed it to your dog while your children watch, at least that's we understand from Taliban rebels who emailed us still terrified. He's like Kaiser Soze from The Usual Suspects (remember the header Fred Vegas as a movie?). SO F-N COVERT...but we know...next thing you know he visits Phil in his underground bunker to give him job tips.


Even though people cackled about Jason running the show since he was NOT a good match by any measure (like Frank Sinatra running a honky tonk at a rest home), now this annoying downtown group is in disarray and no one knows which obsolete embittered lunatic is responsible for the latest round of nonsense. YAWN, what's new? They better hope Jason and his wife never find out who's responsible. That person (or persons???) will be "disappeared" faster than you can say Pinochet. Yo Tubby McNugget better look out!!!! But we think this may help Jason in his mayoral bid. As we said on our list, people like Jason and "Pete Lawrence" have a built in followings and would make formidable candidates. But what about Mrs. Rihanna? Can they run a dual ticket??? Jason is better off without this group of dementia and dentures catty bitc-s anyway. We assume a casting call has gone out for a new leader, someone extremely old and crazy and perhaps with an obsolete business?



After his latest assassination mission he returned to bucolic Fred Vegas. Witnesses report he is tanner (it's hot in Pakistan), leaner (he does Abercrombie proud...or is it opium???) and keeping his assassination profile low until his magic Manchurian sensor sounds again.....Better stay on his good side. After he slays people he cuts off their head, shrinks it, and the wife wears it as glamorous jewelry. .....We know, we can predict the emails now.....How do we KNOW he's a secret Manchurian Candidate assassin?


EXHIBIT A. We've referenced "business in The Family" before....there are lots o' foreign peeps in the hood....We've all heard the reports of the Russian types with scary dogs who hang outside his store late at night moving things in and out into trucks with New York license plates. They all wear headpieces (and no they are not ipods!)....also the Asian mafia types who look like extras from Fast and Furious.....always with late night deliveries. None of these people seem to realize that people do actually LIVE downtown and that they might think these groups of people look strange on Caroline Street.

EXHIBIT B. Where do they get their money? Opium seized from the Taliban? How do they afford their new SECRET dream house???? .....How many people in this town rent from these androids....yo they own shopping malls yo.....but you sure as F wouldn't know....Jason and his wife are very mysterious and seem to be gone for weeks at a time.....how can they run a business like that? They have an army of Abercrombie..J Crew androids to watch the shop while they're gone. .....Or is it just a shell company for the Manchurian Candidate's gang of assassins? Ever notice when you see Jason and his wife out they are with FOREIGN people or even worse, people from New York (soo tired of the Yankee sh-theads here!)...very rarely someone from 'round these parts....they might get to know too much????


EXHIBIT C. And speaking of those little androids watching the shop.... we KNOW from a former employee "Julie" that everyone has to sign a crazy Confidentiality Agreement (oohhh how fancy in our little town.....violation is punishable by death) and she bragged about having dealt with Julia Roberts and Oprah's "people" among others. ...big f'n deal...... Hmm...is Oprah in on this covert assassination thing? Don't worry 'bout our girl "Julie" she is in Africa safe from Jason's wrath...or is she....? But seriously if you are that crazy about protecting your clients its NO FUN for us here in Fred Vegas. WE WANT THE DIRT!!! Ha ha poor Jason now everyone knows...!!!! Seriously this kid is like 25 and we hear from people that he talks like he is 55. When he talks to you have a thesaurus handy because people don't know what the F he's talking about cause he's in a diff world. THAT IS PROOF HE IS AN ANDROID, in "Annie's" words they mixed up the brain with the body. ....maybe he forgets which language to speak???


EXHIBIT D: Jason and his wife rule by TERROR. Everyone in town is running scared from them and for what???!! Are you kidding Mr. Charisma really cares if this kid resigns? THAT IS POWER. And even Mr. and Mrs. Kybecca pay heed to Jason & Empress Yowza, which is saying something 'cause those two don't take smack from NOBODY. We hear from "Sarah" and "Dawn" at the FLS (through a third party who knows a certain closet case mentioned in the Blind Item quiz) that Queen of Mean Type A Anal Martha Stewart attended a party in their honor in New York..... They bussed people up from Fred Vegas if you can believe it. WTF!!!!! DO YOU SEE A CONNECTION??? Crazy androids who rule by terror stick together. The Silver Companies, Donald Trump Leona Helmsley and all of those 1980s a-holes.


God bless Jason. He is a feast for the eyes for some Fred Vegas chicks because they think they can "tame" him. We all like to think we can tame the wild rogue ranger....but oh well....But beware 'cause that kid is deadly, and Empress Yowza can throw down 'sho 'nuff. This downtown group will be sorry once Jason is finished with his acts of vengeance. Stay tuned to see who is "disappeared" next.....where is Tubby anyway? Hmmmmm......

PS......Jason, you NEED TO RELAX. CALM THE F DOWN. We kid you out of love NOT out of spite!!!! Seriously if you don't take a major chill pill you will have a serious stroke. You can't assassinate people when you're stuck in a wheelchair...or...maybe YOU can.....

Consider this a big wet kiss....SMACK!!..stop wearing holes in your shoes interrogating people downtown!!!! Stay far away from Mr. Charisma.....R-E-L-A-X!!!